(a belated) Elvis Wednesday: replacing curse words

Hoo boy. I am apparently on a mission to make a neverending to-do list at work. Last pay period, I worked 44 out of 80 hours. I was either blissfully sleeping off a flu bug or spending time with my lovely sister so I don't regret my absense from the cubicle.

Apparently my cubicle wasn't feeling so amicable. Although I stopped by often enough to keep my plants and Betta (fish named Flipper) alive, my absence was noted.

There are tiny larve of some sort keeping Flipper company in his large glass vase and he's not looking his best. I'm going to have to find time to do a complete water change later on today, which is creepy because I don't have a spare fish bowl for Flipper to stay in while his vase is being cleaned. He swims in my giant mug/bowl I eat oatmeal out of. Also, I'm extremely paranoid that I'll lose him down the sink drain.

One of my peace lillies is now home to a swarm of tiny knats. I think I drowned out thier party pretty effeciently yesterday, but time will tell. My other peace lilly and Madagasgar Dragon Tree look forlorn. My spider plant has always protested living under flourescent lights, but looks really pale and wimpy now. I'll try to take some encouragement from 4 office plants who didn't seem to notice my absence.

I used my computer on Monday and didn't notice anything amiss, perhaps I was imagining the cubicle sabotage?

Nope. On Tuesday morning, before I could even see my deskI could hear my computer (that I'm pretty sure I turned off) whining like a cloud of mosquitos; a horrible, high-pitched EEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Tech services swooped in to the rescue, and long story short, after 3 hours of tinkering (when I needed to be working to make deadlines) they've loaned me a temp computer and my harddrive is probably toast. I hadn't backed up my work, and I've got very little work stored on a shared drive. Losing 4 years worth of data? A very real possiblilty.

Fortunately, I was issued a new computer a couple months ago, and tech services has been too busy to wipe out my old hard drive, so at minimum, I'll get most of my data back, and will only
be missing the past few months worth of work.

The idea of loosing a few months worth of work is nearly enough to make me march into the local gay bar (cause the manly barmaid makes a strong mixed drink for $3.25) and announce "take me to your Rum". But, I'm keeping it in perspective, and decided to be creative rather than destructive with my rage.

At the same time, I'm on a mission to stop cursing, because it is neither ladylike, sportsmanlike or "rated G" to curse in a rollerderby situation. And since my team wants to sell lots of tickets, we want to be known for being family entertainment, as in not chanting "crap crap crap crap gonna fall" as you whiz around corners looking like a drunk moose on ice.

So, I present to you the ever-flexible phrase:"Elvis Presley on a stick"
As in

"Elvis Presley on a stick - it's cold out here!"
"Elvis Presley on a stick - my knees hurt!"
"Elvis Presley on a stick - my fishbowl has larve in it!"
"Elvis Presley on a stick - there's a knat condo in that potting soil!"
"Elvis Presley on a stick - that girl tries my patience!"
"Elvis Presley on a stick! Your fart smelled like cat poo!"
"Elvis Presley on a stick - I'm surrounded by nimrods!"

I'd present you with a clever Elvis Presley photo, but my failed harddrive ate it.
F*ckin' computer . . . .

COMMENTS (harvested from old account)
Madame D - 2007-02-28 23:23:17 Damn, I don't envy you cleaning up your language. My favorite all-encompassing term is "fuck!" right now, with the occasional "motherfucker!" thrown in. Not generally aimed at people, either. I tried once. Didn't really work.
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nikki - 2007-03-01 09:43:15 perhaps madame d, you could try "mother fucking elvis on a stick"?
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Catazon - 2007-03-01 09:45:08 I'll have to come up with a phrase myself, because I've started cursing a lot more now that MPOW has decided to block my league's website, houstonrollerderby.com. WTF???

instagoober: just add rum

Schnikies.
THANK YOU to the tenth power goes to the folks I drank with last night; I had a fantastic time.
My memory is fuzzy as to how I earned my five bar crawl "points" . . . next time I hope to earn more and drink less.

• One pint of Bass with dinner - no biggie
• One rum and (diet) coke and a quiet bar/club - buzz approaching
• One half a rum and diet at a loud bar (with an 80's cover band) - increased buzz, rightfully decide not to put on roller skates.
• One rum and diet a tiny, cozy bar - baouirytarwoi tuaweiog farked up!

THIS is where one of my fellow roller girls in training swooped in, (assisted by our announcer) lead me by my arm to the next bar and suggested that I wanted to drink water. It felt fantastic to be the person being drunk-sat rather than the drunk-sitter, and I probably told her that at least 25 times.
But to reiterate:ThankYouThankYouThankYouThankYou . . . . .
I'm still puzzled as to how I went from mild buzz to total blitz so qiuckly. And I'm completely mystified that I'm not yakking and don't think I'm going to yakk.
I'm off to get ready for a two hour drive to attend a hillbilly festival with my family, so long as no one swings chicken livers under my nose I should be fine. . . . .
Question of the day: What's your favorite hangover remedy?

COMMENTS (harvested from old account)

X Libris - 2007-02-25 14:51:13 Alka-Seltzer. 1 package before you go to sleep (with a large glass of water). 1 package when you wake up (with another large glass of water. Works every time, I prommise.

nikki - 2007-02-26 11:29 i haven't had a hangover since before aaron is born, so i have no advice chicky. glad to hear you had a great time!

Madame D - 2007-02-26 22:12:29 I don't get hangovers, but what is good to do is drink a bunch of water before you go to sleep. Alcohol is a diuretic, and that leads to the headache in the morning.

alfredsmom - 2007-02-27 12:56:21 Taco Bell. :) And, Ive been meaning to say how intrigued I am about this roller girl journey you are on. I have never heard of this. Is there a website that explains it more?

if I could rewind time . . .

. . . I would have weighed myself and measured the circumference of my calves, thighs, hips, waist, ribcage, biceps, forearms, and neck (why leave my neck out?)
I'm convinced that I'm drastically changing shape.

I wasn't at my physical worst a month ago (my physical worst was 7 years ago, perhaps more on that later . . .) but I was certainly in a "hey, what's up with my clothes getting snug?" slump.
Making this even more entertaining is going through this experience with lots of other rollergirls-in-training. It is not uncommon to hear "hey! Feel my ass! It's fantastic!" followed by "Damn! That is fantastic!" (I'm more of a "hey, check out these abs" gal myself).

I attended a short laps practice yesterday with badass-didn't-start-skating-till-30-years-old and another fellow newbie. Badass (and buff) speedy skater pointed out that my kneepads were smaller than hers, and followed that with "well, my legs are bigger than yours . . . um, I think all of me is bigger than you".

Under normal circumstances, the smaller woman would blush, internally gloat and say something along the lines of "oh, I've been dieting/working out/blessed with good genetics"
My response?"Give me a little time, I'll get big too!"

I want to have to buy bigger clothes because my muscles (NOT PUDGE) are stretching seams. I want to be the person that opens stuck jar lids - (sounds humble, but I have crappy wrists). I want to be the person that lifts tillers/mowers/whatever out of vehicles. I want to be the person who can rearrange heavy furniture without assistance.

COMMENTS (harvested from old account)
nikki - 2007-02-23 10:36:46 hey, i got a couch that needs to be moved. do ya think you could help?!?!?!?
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Madame D - 2007-02-24 19:15:57 I'll trade! For as long as I can remember, I've been the jar opener/mover/packmule. I'm actually glad that I can no longer easily pick up my child, making him walk.