Wednesday, August 29, 2007

drafting up a "birth plan"

My birth plan at 3 months pregnant:


By 5 months pregnant, I decided that I would require minions.


With only 11 weeks to go before my due date, I'm taking things a bit more seriously and am feeling a little more selective as to how my "ideal birth experience" would go:
it involves bringing James Doohan back to life.


My "Actually takes place on planet earth in the year 2007" plan isn't going as well, but Mr. Hubby and I have come to a few conclusions:
  • Professionals can take care of the damn cord - neither of us particularly like cutting raw meat, much less pulsating meat attached to me.
  • Along those lines, they can keep the placenta. It never occurred to me to throw a meatloaf against the wall to see what pattern it would make, so placenta-prints are not for me. Also? I've participated in enough culinary disasters that I'm not going near that thing with a fork.
  • Since I deprived Mr. Hubby of finding out if we're having a boy or girl, he will be the first person to tell me the baby's gender, even if it involves putting muzzles on everyone else who is present.
  • The post-birth eye drops can wait an hour - not that I think my kid will have any trouble seeing my (newly) ginormous dark nipples, but I imagine I wouldn't appreciate a bunch of blur-inducing crap in my eyes after a journey that rough.
  • Unless my kid is in obvious need, no snot sucker will be used, a little hacking and some time at tit central station will sort things out just fine. Most videos I've seen, professionals swoop in as soon a the nose and mouth are visible: "Welcome to the world sweetie, lemme jam a rubber nozzle up your nose and down your throat"

    So, I know I've got lots of work to do . . . and yet I'm still stuck on the idea of just beaming the kid out.
  • 8 comments:

    nikki said...

    Placenta art?!?!? I learn something new everyday and am quite disturbed by it actually.

    cardiogirl said...

    I'm with Nikki, I have never heard of placenta art.

    It was difficult waiting for the birth to happen and then to be over, but really you will be amazed at how fast everything happens and that you have a real live baby swaddled on your chest.

    Sending good birthing vibes your way.

    Madame D said...

    What, we're supposed to come up with a plan? "Getting the baby the hell out of there" worked just fine.

    Amanda said...

    I'm with Madame D, my birth plan is "Let's get you the hell outta me! FAST!" HEHE! I'm due anyday now, I sorta have a plan....push, breath, push, breath, ok he's out! WHOO!
    Wish me luck, and I wish you luck!! ;)

    Tony said...

    Dude, you don't "art" the placenta, you eat it!

    You said something about meatloaf...?

    For the Love... said...

    Love the first part of your birth plan! I went for a TOTALLY natural birth...you know flat on my back grinning from the epidural and someone telling me when to push.

    They did ask us if we wanted to keep the placenta...Ummmmm NO.

    Madame D said...

    Okay, I'll admit, I had no drugs during birth. But that was not on purpose. He was just early, and by the time we all realized what was happening it was too late to give me any drugs. Plus, the nurses all knew the lamaze crap, which consisted of panting, focusing your eyes on something, and pushing when they told me to. Not difficult, and not something I needed 8 weeks of class for, either.

    Alie said...

    Make sure you work calling your sister on the phone somewhere in the plan. If you are lucky enough I'll be sitting on the beach watching dolphins swim like I was for my sister-in-law's in labor call from the hospital. Have you thought of what the camera rules will be in the delivery room?